It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is experiencing infertility. Susan C. Klock, PhD, a psychologist at Northwestern Medicine Fertility and Reproductive Medicine, shares tips on how to respectfully navigate the topic.

Don’t assume everyone wants or can have children.

It is common to ask someone who is engaged, married or aging if they plan to have children or plan to have more children. On the surface, this question seems harmless, except to the approximately 11% of women* and 9% of men* in the United States who have experienced infertility.

“In addition to being a highly personal question to ask, it also fails to take into account that this other person may have just had a miscarriage, may be experiencing infertility, or may have already learned they cannot have genetic children,” explains Klock.

Don’t suggest stress plays a role with infertility.

People who share their experiences of infertility and loss with family, friends or co-workers are often looking for support during emotionally difficult times.

Well-meaning people who make comments like, ‘Maybe you’re too stressed,’ may intend to be encouraging, but their comments blame the person for being unable to conceive. Show support by practicing active listening and asking how you can support the person.

It’s not always easy to get pregnant.

“Unfortunately, as a society we have been misled to believe that it is easy to get pregnant and that we have ultimate control over our fertility,” says Klock. “In reality, starting in her 20s, a woman’s chances of conceiving each month is around 25%, and chances of conception are based largely on the age of a woman’s eggs. Stress has not been reliably found to cause infertility or miscarriage.”

Avoid asking intrusive questions about reproduction.

Family-building plans are often not a secret, but they are typically a private matter. For example, asking someone with twins if they underwent in vitro fertilization (IVF) requires the parent to say whether they had sex to conceive their children or if they engaged in fertility treatment. Similar concerns arise when people ask unmarried pregnant women if they used donor sperm; older women if they used donor eggs; and same-sex couples whose sperm, eggs or bodies were involved in conception.

“If someone you know brings up their fertility as a topic of conversation, or if they have previously shared with you that they are struggling with infertility or have a history of miscarriage, ask them how they are coping, and if there is anything you can do to support them on their path to parenthood,” says Klock. “Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is listen if they want to share their story.”

*Scientists do not always collect information from participants about gender identity. To avoid misrepresenting the results of this research, we use the same terminology as the study authors.